One scolding at that moment in time was probably enough. That didn’t mean that she wouldn’t need another strict reminder later on in the day. But at that very moment my daughter did not need to hear it from me that she had messed up. She knew it.
And yet I think, how often do we do this to our students? Many of our students are broken and bent before they even walk through our door each morning. We know who they are. They are already down.
So why do we continue to pile on?
Don’t get me wrong. There are certain situations and circumstances that require more than one adult to intervene. And there are certain students that might need more frequent reminders than others. But we should be able to identify these by now. We are the adults. Furthermore, I think we must ask ourselves, will our actions make the situation better or worse? If the answer is worse, then I think we must re-evaluate what we are doing.
I am not implying that we ignore bad decision-making or that we let things go. But I do believe that oftentimes the end result of a pile on is a more beaten and battered person. That limps away. By themselves.
Is that what we are after?
We must stop weakening our warriors. If not, how will they continue to find the energy and the motivation to come back and fight another day?
This past Friday I was hovering near the pile myself. I had already begun writing this post, so I should have been more aware. But sometimes, in the moment, clarity of thought and purpose isn’t always what we’d hope it would be. I was called to a classroom to help with a student who was, and is always, in a state of crisis. He is a student who probably spends most of his days at the bottom of the pile. Granted he does require many adults to help meet his needs.
But we’re not meeting them.
Once I got to the classroom and told him that I needed him to speak with me, he literally sprinted out of the room. I was able to get him to come into my office and I was hoping that he would talk to me about what was going on. What was causing him to continue to make poor choices? As I am writing this though I realize that I knew the answer to that question and did not really even need to ask it. He is worn down and exhausted as a result of being piled on day after day after day. He has the ability to see the pile forming and he knows all too well what it feels like to be at the bottom. So he runs from it.
For a few brief moments I was able to calm him down and get him to forget about the pile. But then he could see the look in my eyes and knew that I in fact was someone who had been on the top of that pile before. He saw me hovering. Hovering because I did not want him to run away. Hovering, because I was more concerned about him running away. When I should have been more focused on helping him regain strength. Helping him walk a little taller.
Just when he was about ready to break away from my office a colleague of mine entered the room. And he could tell right away that she was not in uniform. She was here to help him, not pile on. She hugged him and he knew right away that he was safe. Her purpose was to help him back up. Not keep him down. And lift him up she did.
I learned much in that moment.
I learned that I have much to learn about this game called Life. I am getting better with the help of those around me and I will continue to grow with each new day.
More than anything I learned that I don’t need to pile on. That oftentimes a hug or a held hand can be much more effective than what I see on Sundays. I’m glad the season is over.